Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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