Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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