please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
