If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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