She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
