So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
