I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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