I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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