I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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