im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
