I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
