You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
