did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
