Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
