If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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