dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
