I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
