I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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