i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
