Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
