Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
