he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
