So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
