so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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