I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
