there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
