Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
so much tequila, so little girl.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
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