my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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