just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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