My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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