fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Welp...herpes.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
