listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
