Your face is a jimmy john
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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