God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
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