My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Randomize
