shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
