So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize