I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
