Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
