I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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