If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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