I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
