Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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