Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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