sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
