She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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