Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
