I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
