You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
