It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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