Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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