last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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