To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
