She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Bring me that man meat
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
