i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I have feelings that need drinking.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
FUCK WHALES
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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