Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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