On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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