You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
